How to Make A Winning Resume: Resume Mistakes (Issue#2)

Another issue complete with excerpts of resumes I have received recently.  *Some entries have been slightly modified to protect the innocent but are as true to meaning and grammar as I have received them.  I enjoy reading resumes.  Even more than reading resumes, I enjoy fixing them because I'm sort of a grammar geek.  So in my decidedly undiagnosed ADHD brain of mine today while interviewing, filling jobs and looking at resumes, I brainstormed which resume bloopers to include in this post and what kinds of illustrations they warranted.  I had too many ideas so I pared it down to two.  This is a follow up to Resume Mistakes(Version 1).

In order to speed up getting an interview, consider the following:

• Address your materials to the proper department. 

This is Kaaren's (remember the spelling of my name... you'll need to recall it later)....Start over:  This is Kaaren's interpretation of what a "Personal Department" could provide.  While a "Personnel Department" provides hiring, benefits, payroll and access to hiring managers, A personal department may be something like this:

 You may also be able to hire people: to make you a personal agenda to bring to a board meeting and even perhaps help you formulate a personal vendetta against an unsuspecting former coworker or "frenemy". 

(A few Facebook friends helped with the rest of these.)

An additional hired psychiatrist can help with your "personal-ity disorder" (Thanks, Michael).

In the Personal Department, you can also order:

A Personal Pan Pizza (Thanks, Trina)

And you can give your personal opinion freely, keep your personal property without the risk of someone violating it, etc.   

(Thanks to Becky, Leslee, David, Michael, Fran, my sister Jenna, Andrea and Amber for the help brainstorming)  

• Another thing you can do to make your resume a winner?  Feign familiarity with recruiters by addressing them by a well-spelled first name and THEN bribe them with money to hire you.  

At first I thought it was a Nigerian Prince asking for money, however, I then saw that it was in response to an ad I posted.  I figured that Nigerian Princes probably get enough money from other people and don't offer to give it out freely since it takes so much time to wire it to them in Africa.  Also I figured that since he was offering to give me money and not take any from me that he was legitimate.  So then I deduced further that it truly was a legitimate job seeker with a really nice, though unknowingly unlawful, intentions.  :)

These tactics and others will surely give you the edge for a job you truly desire by making your resume "stand out" from the crowd.  Hope you have enjoyed my Resume Mistakes!  May the power of Spell Check be with you!  

"I'll Fax You an Email" and Other Last Words of Job Hunters

***Disclaimer- The information you will read was not written to offend.  I have made many of these mistakes in my earlier drafts of my own resume.  And despite a great resume, the job may not be meant to be anyway.  I am not undermining those who are making sincere efforts and are still unemployed.  These are just really funny.***


Having had a recruiting job where one of my main tasks was to screen resumes (and thousands of them), I've seen a bunch of awesome ones.  I've also seen a lot that seemed like someone spit and handed in the design it made thinking they could walk on and get paid without needing to interview.  Even better than that were the phone calls I took inbound and made outbound to people asking about jobs we were staffing for when they gave me something like this as an answer:


"I'm sorry I didn't answer the phone when you called, I was on the toilet and it was a bad situation."  YUCK!  HOWEVER, calls like this made what would have been a long day somewhat fun.


Resumes are funnier though because you can laugh out loud when you receive it and no one feels bad because the sender is far away.  Granted, resumes are hard to do.  That said, there are a lot of common sense mistakes that people make because they think the person reading it "won't care" - i.e. forgetting to run spell checker, not indenting one line when all the others are indented, misspelling your own name, using 9 different fonts.  Most of the time- wrong.


I decided to opt for sharing a few funny examples from resumes I've seen.  Resume Bloopers are common on the internet.  What I haven't seen are examples with explanations on why they are so funny!  Before I got laid off, I was on the receiving end of these funny resumes.

As a fun example, I have to share one of the funniest phone conversations I HAVE EVER had in my whole entire short life.  A candidate called me and said that she sent her documents that were required for a client so that they could consider her for a job- standard protocol really.  When I said I didn't receive them, she replied, "Do you want me to fax them to you?"  I replied, "Sure."

Here's how the rest of the conversation went:

Me: Give me a call when you send them.  We get lots of faxes.  If I know it's coming, I'll check the machine to make sure we have it here."

What she responded with was priceless.

Candidate: Oh, I fax mine on the computer.  I don't use paper.

Realizing now we were not speaking the same language, I double-checked with her.

Me: Oh, will you be faxing them to me with a fax machine or emailing on the computer?

Candidate: I'll fax them on my computer.

Me: So you're telling me you're going to email them to me on the computer, not fax them on a fax machine?

Candidate: Yeah, I'll email them on the computer.

Faxy Lady by Kaaren

This nice lady was applying to an office position.  Since she didn't know office terminology and was applying to an office position, she didn't seem like a strong candidate.  That nice lady never did send me her resume.  She must never have found the fax button on the computer. 

A few bloopers that I have seen on resumes that have made me giggle.  I used to keep a list (most of the wording is pretty close to the original).  The artwork is original in case if you're wondering if I contract that work out.  :)  

Trophy Wife Seeks Job 

• Under Experience-  "Trophy wife.  Wiping up poop, cleaning up messes and being gorgeous." - This resume went on and on.  It was also passed around the office.  Are you wondering if she got a job?  As far as I heard- yes.  It was pretty minimally paid, and the only reason she got considered is because we had to because she was referred.  This resume was legendary because it was so bad.  I wish I had saved a copy. It could have been published.   The flaw:  sharing too much information and trying to be funny even if you're referred.  Personally, it seemed like this lady didn't take the process seriously because she was referred- a job isn't always a guarantee.  As far as humor, you can be a little funny in the interview, but get through the door first.  I would have deleted this one had I been the one to get this resume first and read the first line. 

• under location: "The Moon" - kind of funny, but weird.

Moon Man

• In an email to a recruiter- "thx.  plz considr me 4 the job!" -  In my humble opinion, most jobs paying decent wages require basic reading and writing competency.  And this person may very well be able to spell every word, but chose not to!  I couldn't think of a funny picture for this one.  As I recall, the resume wasn't much better- poor formatting and lots of bad spelling, not relevant experience.  And I probably can't remember the resume because I deleted it after reading this little half-email and glancing at the resume. 

Needless to say, I still love looking at resumes.  Stay tuned for more bloopers.


Any experiences with resumes or funny emails even?  I'd love to hear them!